Communication, Poly Style

Communication is the cornerstone and foundation of any relationship. If you aren’t able to talk to one another effectively, the relationship will likely crumble under conflict, differences in opinions or wants or needs, or just because you feel like you can’t get along.

In a polyamorous relationship, where more than one partner is involved in various configurations, communication is even more important. I’m not going to get into all the different types of poly configurations in this post, because that’s long enough to warrant a post of its own. (Stay tuned next Monday.)

But regardless of whether you have a triad where three people are all involved with each other, or a network where two people are involved with each other, and each of them is also involved with other people who are involved with other people and so on, at the core, every connection between any two people is a relationship in and of itself, as well as part of the larger configuration. Each of those connections needs to be nurtured and cared for, and to do that, everyone needs to communicate.

Different people have different communication needs. One person might prefer openness and honesty, and define that as sharing explicit details of dates and sexual interactions with the partners who weren’t involved. Another person might only want to know, and only want to share, that they have a date with another partner, and not discuss it beyond that. Some don’t even want to know that much.

Within a poly configuration, there might be people with different communication styles and needs, and part of the communication has to be figuring out what and how to communicate. What is each person comfortable knowing about other relationships or connections? What is each comfortable having other partners know about them? Is it okay to vent to one partner about another when something stressful arises? Does one partner even want to hear that you have other partners?

Relationships take work, and a lot of that work is communication. Polyamorous relationships take exponentially more work and communication, because more people’s needs, privacy, and so on have to be taken into account.

The work is worth it, whether you’re in a couple or a triad or a poly network large enough that you can’t even keep track of who has how many partners. Make no mistake, it isn’t easy. But it is worth it.

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